There are all kinds of ways to find a mate.
Some people go to the bars, while others prefer organized events, like a speed-dating kind of evening. Online dating platforms have seen their usage increase in recent years.
And then, there’s matchmakers.
Aleeza Ben Shalom is a matchmaker, dating coach and host of the new show, "Jewish Matchmaking," on Netflix, which follows Jewish singles in the United States and Israel. She joined The Show to talk about modern matchmaking.
Full conversation
ALEEZA BEN SHALOM: I started when I was younger. I grew up not religious, and I had friends and people started dating, and I just started to see people. They didn't know they were interested in each other, but I knew. And I just started to notice that.
And then, in college, I started to set my friends up very casually, and I, obviously, nobody really thinks of it as like a job or a profession. It's not what you'd go to university for, that's for sure.
And it wasn't until in my mid-20s, after I got married — actually late 20s — I had a couple kids, and I started working online as a professional matchmaker that it started to become a hobby/strong interest and curiosity, like, “Oh, what could I do with this?”
MARK BRODIE: May I ask how you met your husband, given what you do for a living now?
BEN SHALOM: Yes. We were at a retreat in Orlando. It was a Jewish singles retreat. After the retreat, we left dating other people, but we were from the same community in Philadelphia. And a couple months later we started dating, and we had met at a Shabbat table, a Friday night dinner. But because we didn't have an official matchmaker, we brought one in, and it was the rabbi that he was closest to.
BRODIE: So I'm curious why you think it is that matchmaking seems to be sort of having a moment now? Obviously, you know, there are a lot of shows on TV, yours included, dealing with matchmaking, but it seems to sort of be going beyond just in the popular culture. Like it seems like more and more people are turning to matchmaking to try to find a mate.
BEN SHALOM: I think people that are, I think people are more excited about love these days, and I think people are really busy, to be quite honest. And in general, when we get busy, we kind of farm things out to other people. So, we get the support of professionals to help us. And I think that people are turning to matchmakers in the modern day because there's a lot going on.
And, “Hey, if you can take care of my dating life, I can go do something else. I can work, I can work out, I can hang out with my friends. And, somebody else will set me up. It's fine. Don't worry. She'll call me in a couple of days. She’ll have a date.”
BRODIE: Well, it's interesting because I think, you know, maybe in decades past, not too many decades, but one or two, for example, a lot of people saw online dating as kind of that, that kind of thing, right?
Like, instead of having to go to a bar or try to meet somebody at the grocery store or, you know, something like that, you go online. It was sort of a more efficient way to do things. But matchmaking is kind of, it's almost like a new old school version of doing that.
BEN SHALOM: Yes, absolutely. And online is still popular.
BRODIE: What would you say is the hardest part of doing your job?
BEN SHALOM: The hardest part is really the patience for the person, the person that we're trying to find. Working with the person, no problem. Getting through the process, no problem. Whether it's coaching or setting them up.
But it's not just setting them up because I don't like to just set people up with somebody. I'm not looking to keep people busy. I really want to set them up with their person. And so finding somebody that's good or good enough or close, it just, it like
doesn't hit the spot for me.
It's really, I don't have that. I'm like, ooh. But I do always have to remember that. Listen, I have my preferences for what I think is going to work best, but I have had matches surprise me. And I have had people choose partners where I went, “Oh, I didn't think you were going to go for that one. Oh, I'm so happy. I'm so glad it worked out.”
But I didn't know if they could stretch, and people sometimes surprise me. So I think patience in the process is really the hardest thing.
BRODIE: Have you had it sort of go the other way, where you were pretty certain that two people would really click and they ended up not?
BEN SHALOM: Yes. And it is heartbreaking for me!
BRODIE: Oh no.
BEN SHALOM: Yeah, we have to not get too invested. I had a couple once and I had them come over for the weekend and I wanted them to get to know each other, spend time. And I was going to be there to help facilitate. And it was what I would call D.O.A., dead on arrival. They met and I don't know what happened. He lost his personality. He stopped talking. It was, I've never actually seen anything like that since then.
BRODIE: Wow.
BEN SHALOM: And they had actually met on like the phone. They were talking, they were schmoozing beforehand and they clicked. It was like they were practically ready to get engaged from a week of conversations and in person, it was D.O.A. and I'm going, “oh my gosh.”
And she was devastated because there was a connection before they walked into the same room and they walked into the same room and the energy just left. I just never saw anything like that.
BRODIE: Do you find that people tend to be pretty honest with you when they're talking about what they're looking for, or do they really have a good sense of what it is that they're looking for when they're talking with you?
BEN SHALOM: I think that people try to be honest, but at the same time not appear too picky. So they're not, they dance around the subject. Sometimes they don't say things straightforward. I mean direct people, they'll tell you exactly what they want, but other people, they're a little bit more playful with you. And I sometimes have to pull things out of people.
And I think sometimes people are talking it out and clarifying as they go. And they know exactly — they know what they don't want, but they don't always know what they do want. And when they know what they do want, they don't always know if what they want will actually be good for them long term.
BRODIE: Well, I would assume that is something you consider part of your job, right? Sort of talking through this with your client to make sure that everybody's on the same page and maybe help them figure out what it is they're actually looking for.
BEN SHALOM: Absolutely. And figuring that out, to me, is extremely important. There's not, there's no sense in really even setting anybody up unless we know what they want and what they're looking for. What they get, I don't know if it's going to be the same thing, but at least knowing what they want and making peace with it if they don't get what they want, we're at least clear.
You have to be open, yet not. I don't know how to say it any other way, right. We're open, and at the same time, “No, I know who I am, and I know what I want.” So there's a fine line there, but yeah, it's coaching, mentoring. It's definitely the heart of what matchmaking is to me.
BRODIE: Yeah. So you mentioned that you grew up in a not super-religious family, and you have become more religious since getting married. I'm wondering how that's affected your matchmaking, especially because you've been doing it for quite a while now?
BEN SHALOM: Right. So I started in 2007, and I came from a secular world. I was Jewish. I loved my Judaism, but I wasn't practicing anything. And then I became observant.
So I knew the secular world. I know the religious world. And for me, it's really helped me to help anybody who's looking for love in the Jewish world.
BRODIE: So I've got to ask, based on what you do and the people with whom you work, how often does somebody sort of walk by you and hum a particular song from a particular musical to you?
BEN SHALOM: Matchmaker, matchmaker.
BRODIE: You probably know all the words right?
BEN SHALOM: I know the whole chorus they sing. My husband is probably the one that hums that the most actually. He's got a great voice, spectacular.
BRODIE: Well, I guess that's good if he's going to be the one singing it the most.
BEN SHALOM: Yes.
