Many of us have either been on the giving or receiving end of a sulk, or both. It can be the silent treatment, maybe a stuck out lower lip or a "don’t turn on the lights for me, I’ll sit in the dark" kind of mentality.
But what do we hope to achieve by sulking? And if we’re the target of a sulk, how can we try to make things right with the person who’s sulking?
Rebecca Roache explores these and other questions in an essay titled "The Joy of Sulk." Roache is an associate professor in philosophy at the University of London, and the person behind the podcast the Academic Imperfectionist. The Show spoke with her earlier and asked what got her thinking about this in the first place.
Full Conversation
REBECCA ROACHE: I was writing a book about swearing. While I was working on that, I started to get interested in some of the things that we do when we want to say something offensive or inappropriate, but we're also aware that the, you know, the social norms around us might come with repercussions. So, we sort of don't want to break etiquette, but we still want to convey something negative, basically. And I think there's a range of really interesting behaviors that we engage in when we want to do that. So, sulking comes in there, sulking is a way of communicating something kind of under the radar of etiquettes, really, so something that if you were to say it explicitly, you know, something like, "Oh god, I'm annoyed with you, and I want you to solve this problem," you might be challenged on it. But you know, by sulking and communicating non verbally, we avoid having to justify ourselves.
MARK BRODIE: It's interesting what you say, and you write about this too, sort of how sulking, as you say, sort of becomes like a power move a little bit. Like, you're kind of expecting the target to make you feel better and to fix whatever the problem is without explicitly telling them how you're feeling and what the problem is.
ROACHE: Yeah, exactly. And this shows that you have, if you want to smoke, you have to be careful who you choose as your target. You have to choose somebody who's going to be motivated to put things right. So you know, if you try to sulk with somebody who doesn't care about communicating with you, then that's not going to be very satisfying, because they'll just, you know, they're not going to be bothered by the fact that you're not speaking to them. But when we sulk with somebody who finds it kind of painful or inconvenient for us not to be communicating with them, then they're sort of stressed out by being sulked at. They're wondering what they did wrong, and they're motivated to solve the problem that we've thrown at them. So yeah, it's and it's difficult, right? Because the person who's the target of the sulk doesn't always know what's wrong, and they often can't get any clarity from the person who's who's sulking.
BRODIE: So I think for a lot of people, when they think about sulking, they immediately think about kids, especially little kids who maybe don't have the words to express how they're feeling or how somebody might be able to make them feel better. So what is sort of the dynamic at play there when you know, a child is feeling upset or sad or frustrated about something and sort of goes into the corner and, and shuts down a little bit? Like, what what's the the power dynamic? What's the general dynamic there?
ROACHE: Yeah, well, of course, when babies are first born, all they can do is cry to let you know that they have needs. And the parent who's trying to meet those needs, doesn't know whether the cry means, "I'm hungry," or "I'm too cold," or "I'm uncomfortable," or whatever it might be. The parent just has a sort of rush around trying to work out what's wrong, right? And then, over the years, as parents, we tried to teach children to articulate their needs, and eventually to get their needs met themselves. But while that's happening, there's this period where they are kind of engaging in behavior that lets their parent know that they have a need, but they don't know how to express it, or they you know, or they're not going to try or they're just used to people running around, looking after them without them having to do much about it. It's weird, because although, lots of adults do it, it has this, this association of being childish. You think of it as kind of undignified, and you know, you should be able to do better if you're an adult than to sulk in order to get your needs met.
BRODIE: Yeah. Well, it's interesting because like, as you're describing it, you know, the sulker has a problem. They need to be soothed. They want the target to make them feel better and and to fix the problem. While, at the same time they might start getting frustrated because they're spending all this time and energy trying to figure out what is making you upset like it, it seems, in some ways, the sulk almost seems kind of counterintuitive.
ROACHE: Yeah, and I think what you've described is quite a common, widespread reaction to sulking, because none of us really enjoy being on the receiving end of a sulk, and you know, often will say things like, 'Well, why can't you just say explicitly what you need? And let's just have an open discussion about what you need and why you're upset,' and so on, and it can all be out in the open. But I think sometimes it's it's not that simple.
BRODIE: Yeah. Does it seem as though sulking is effective for the people who do it?
ROACHE: I guess so. I mean, it's interesting that it, it tends to happen in intimate relationships, because I suppose there's a degree of trust, that you, you know, that it's if you're an adult, you know that it's ridiculous behavior. And you you sort of don't really want to be caught doing it. It'd be humiliating to do it in public. So you sort of sulk with people that you trust not to just laugh at you. So, I suppose in in that sense you are targeting people who care about you and who are motivated to meet your needs. And it depends on you know, what, what does success mean, here? Is it to get a particular problem solved? But perhaps in some cases, it's not the problem it's not solving the problem that's the main thing, it might just be, it might just be the attention, you know, having somebody treat you tenderly and make it their priority to nurture you and make you feel better is that perhaps that's why some people do it.
BRODIE: Yeah. So I've got to ask, since you've been doing all this research on sulking, has it made you think about it differently? Or when you maybe encounter it in your life, either on the giving or receiving end of it, does it make you think a little bit differently about how and why and what we're doing?
ROACHE: Yeah, it has. So, looking into this, it sort of opened my eyes to the just what a complex behavior of tears and how many different ends, it can be put. I mean, we've sort of talked mainly about people sulking to get their needs met. But I think there's also a more sinister form of sulking, where people will say, especially a parent, or a partner in an abusive situation, might start just in order to terrorize the person they're targeting. So there is this sort of, there are all these nuances to it, and I think the ethics of it is a fascinating area, which I'm sort of beginning to think about, you know, sort of what is do we do something wrong when we sulk? I'm inclined to think no, in most cases, no, I don't think we are. But I think there's probably things to say about what makes the difference between you know, a kind of fairly respectful, sulk or benign one at least, and one that is more manipulative in a slightly worrying way.
BRODIE: All right, that is Rebecca Roache, associate professor in philosophy at University of London, and host of the podcast Academic Imperfectionist. Rebecca, thank you so much for the conversation. I appreciate it.
ROACHE: Thanks for having me.
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