Ask almost any parent and they’ll tell you, they’d do anything for their child. For parents of transgender and nonbinary youth, that anything could be life-saving. Accepting a child’s gender identity can significantly lower rates of attempting suicide. But many parents struggle with their own feelings of grief and loss as they help their child navigate this transition.
If you’re an LGBTQ kid, StefaNia Contreras is probably the kind of mom you’d want.
“I was back in the day with Harvey Milk and my babysitters were two lovely gay men that lived downstairs from us … like, let's take the kid to the parade kind of thing!”
This East Valley mom grew up in an extremely progressive household. Being gay was a non-issue. And it was a non-issue for Contreras when her then-14-year-old came out as bisexual four years ago.
“The bisexual, the I'm gay, all that? Yep, no problem,” she says.
Then her child, who was assigned male at birth, started saying that they felt more female than male. Eventually, her teen identified as trans-feminine.
"The trans hit me, because of the mainly the health connotations with that. Because it was, where's this going to go?" according to Contreras.
And how far, she wondered? Puberty blockers? Hormone therapy? Gender-affirming surgery?
“So, in my situation, my daughter, or my son, was 23. So, he was a lot older when he came out,” explains David Gailey, whose daughter is now 26 and has since fully transitioned.
“Yeah, facial feminization, breast augmentation, hip augmentation. She was very fortunate to have health insurance that covered all this," Gailey said.
A love like no other
Both Contreras and Gailey 100% love and embrace their kids. That’ll never change. And they both embrace and affirm their children's gender identities.
But they’ve also experienced pain and loss along the way — like when Gailey’s daughter legally changed her name.
“And I was the one who picked out her name. I really liked her name. And then she called it her dead name. And I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh,’ that name’s not dead to me," Gailey said.
Or when Contreras’ daughter asked her mom to put away old photographs.
“Like no more baby pictures out. I don't want to see that person that doesn't exist anymore. And that just brought me to tears. You know, it really was experiencing the death of my child as I knew that child,” Contreras said.
“The most painful thing for me is when your kiddo wants to forget everything that reminds them of their past life … and of being male …. so there's this distance that you start to feel and we're trying to to cross that bridge right now. And it's heartbreaking in a way, you know,” Gailey said.
Parents need support, too
Gina Read is a manager at One-n-Ten, an LGBTQ-youth advocacy group in Phoenix.
“And we do let parents know that there is going to be a grieving process," Read said.
In 2020, One-n-Ten started an online support group, led by Read, for parents of trans youth, which Contreras and Gailey regularly attend.
“It's kind of like, decades ago, when gay and lesbian kids would first come out — because the world wasn't like it is right now — parents went through the same thing. They were grieving because they never saw marriage in the picture. They never saw children, or any of those things," Read said.
But with parents of trans children, Read says it’s much more complicated. They don’t want to “mess up,” as she puts it, and parents often feel isolated.
“In today's world, more than likely, if I'm working somewhere, I know someone who's gay or lesbian, right? Or somebody who has a gay or lesbian or bisexual- identified child. It's not like that, right now, for those parents that have trans children," Read said.
There’s also misinformation, anti-LGBTQ policies and politics, and judgment from friends, family, even spouses.
Ellen Kahn is the vice president for education and systems of care at the Human Rights Campaign in Washington, D.C.
“So not only do parents of trans kids have all the fears, like the universal fears: ‘Will my kid be loved? Will my kid be safe?’ There's also, you know, ‘Will people blame me? Will people say, ‘I'm getting this wrong?’”
Support groups for parents of trans and non-binary kids are still relatively new, Read said. But more and more parents across the country are starting to find their own community — online.
“And within those groups, they have subsets like trans girls, trans boys, non-binary folks, different ages and stages were there, you know of, so they can sort of talk about what their kid is going through, you know, at this moment, and what might be some of their unique needs or questions,” Kahn said.
Some parents wonder, what if their child eventually wants a biological child of their own? It was at a One-n-Ten meeting that Contreras first heard about sperm banking.
“And so definitely that was really helpful for her to know that if she chooses to have children, and she said that she might, and that she likes that, you know, like, ‘thanks, mom that you took care of that for me,'” Contreras said.
Contreras' daughter is turning 18 and life is smoothing out. She started hormone therapy and is feeling more like her authentic self. And like Gailey, Contreras loves getting to know her daughter.
So while life didn’t unfold the way these parents may have imagined when their child was first born, what matters is that they each have a child who is happy, healthy and alive.
“The most painful thing for me is when your kiddo wants to forget everything that reminds them of their past life."Parent David Gailey
Resources for parents of trans youths
AZTypo: A safe space for families with gender-diverse children.
One-n-Ten: An LGBTQ youth advocacy organization.
thetrevorproject.org: This nonprofit focuses on suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning youth.
Trans Lifeline: A hotline staffed by trans people, for trans people. 875-565-8860 and TransLifeline.org.
Teen Lifeline: A LGBTQA+ inclusive organization with 24-hour service, including with trained peer counselors available 3-9 p.m. daily. Call or text 602-248-8336 (TEEN) or statewide 800-248-8336, or TeenLifeline.org.
