Lots of parents spend lots of time worrying about how long their kids are spending on screens — and what they’re doing while on their phones or other devices. But many parents are less certain about what they should do about that, and how they should talk to their teens about what they’re seeing online.
But Thao Ha says it’s important for parents to stay engaged. She’s an associate professor in the psychology department at ASU, and joins The Show to talk more about this.
Full conversation
MARK BRODIE: Thao, what kinds of conversations do you hear between parents and their teens about phone use and how teens want to use their devices more than their parents want them to, that kind of thing?
THAO HA: Yes. So teens typically want to use their phones all the time, and parents are trying to limit their screen time on their phones. But what we're also hearing a lot is that teens actually themselves have a lot of questions about, like, what does it mean? All the things that I see on my phone, like, what are these messages being? And so, and they sometimes feel like the parents or adults in their life don't always understand what it is that they're going through. And also like, they can't always talk about it because they feel like their parents don't have the technology knowledge.
BRODIE: So are kids questioning stuff, for example, they see on, on social media, things like that they don't really understand what, what it is they're seeing.
HA: Yes. And this mostly has to do with the interpersonal world. So my research is mostly on teenagers and their relationships with parents and friends and romantic partners. And so most of their social interactions are online these days and are less so face to face. And as you can imagine, there's a lot of miscommunication when interactions are only online and so often they will get messages or they see things online and they're just confused about what it means.
BRODIE: Well, and when teens think that their parents or adults in their life maybe aren't equipped to, to help them, is it because the parents don't understand the technology or they maybe don't understand the specifics of what, you know, a friend or romantic partner is, is messaging them?
HA: I think it's both, maybe it's mostly the second person of your answer. So it's maybe that they don't understand the specific intentions of the partner. But I think there is a, there is a disconnect sometimes between how teens would like to talk about social media use and how parents are talking about it.
BRODIE: Well, it's interesting because I think for a lot of parents the assumption is that their teens don't want to talk about it at all and therefore, you know, in an attempt to, you know, not have unpleasant interactions with their kids just don't bring it up. But what you're saying is their teens really do want to talk about it, at least in certain situations.
HA: Yes, in certain situations when they are asking for it. And so I think parents are mostly concerned about monitoring their screen time and you know, tracking where their child are. But I think what team, what I hear from our teams who we interview and we, we do surveys with like, they mostly have questions about like, OK, I'm in love with this person and right now this person is not in the location that they're supposed to be. What does it mean? It makes me feel really, really insecure about their relationship and I don't know how we react right now. I think that's more the kind of support that teens are looking for that is not always available to them.
BRODIE: Well, it seems as though even if like, for example, you know, parents who are in their thirties or forties might not have the specific language or knowledge about like location sharing and stuff like that. The overarching picture, I would imagine a lot of parents probably are able to at least talk about.
HA: Exactly. And I think that's the most, that's a really important point that you're making and it's something that parents are actually not talking about because they're so focused on things like screen time. And they're not so focused on what is happening on their phones. But I actually think that you're absolutely right. It's so important that we talk with their children about what's actually happening on their phones instead of only trying to monitor their phone use.
BRODIE: And I would imagine that making it not so punitive is probably also important here.
HA: Right.
BRODIE: So, the team knows that, hey, if I have a question, even if I'm maybe looking at something I shouldn't be looking at or using my phone when I shouldn't be using it. If I have a question or a concern, I can go to my parents and they're not going to freak out on me.
HA: Exactly. Yes. So, you know, a lot of parents and I, they, they have taking the phone away as a parenting strategy and that's, that's awful to an adolescent because you're cutting them off of the one, the one thing that they care most about and it's basically the whole, you know, you're cutting them off, not just from the phone, but of their entire social world and adolescence are social beings and that's the one thing that they really, really care about.
So, we've heard from teens, like, you know, they are afraid that if they do disclose, or they do talk to their parents about things that have happened on their phone that then their phone is being taken away. And so that's, that's kind of counterproductive in many ways to just take the child's phone away.
BRODIE: So do you think that parents are wrong to be thinking about screen time or is it just, they can't only think about screen time?
HA: So when we think about screen time, we the the current scientific literature and also, you know, in a public discourse, there's been a lot of discussion about screen time and mental health problems and whether screen time is causing mental health problems, I think in the science science field, we agree that the question is not that simple.
And the evidence is also very unclear. So it's not really about like more or less screen time. It's more about like, when is the screen time happening? Is it happening just right before they go to bed and then they get distracted and are on YouTube or TikTok for like three hours and then go to bed way late, right? So then screen time is not so helpful and it also gets away from us discussing like that. What is happening on the screen is much more important than the screen time itself. And so yeah, I do think that the discussion can be more nuanced than just screen time.
BRODIE: Yeah, I'm curious, like how much of all of this comes down to parents being open to having these conversations and maybe learning about the kinds of technology and platforms that their teenagers are using and maybe even to an extent, being a little vulnerable and acknowledging, hey, I don't really understand everything you're talking about, but I understand how people work and, you know, here, here's sort of the guidance that I can offer you on this.
HA: I think that's incredibly important. And I think it's for parents also, like, you don't have to understand every latest emoji or every latest platform or how everything works or you don't have to monitor every single thing that your child is doing on their phone because it's truly impossible.
But yeah, I think it's exactly like you said, you know, you do have insights into like what your child needs and, and, and hopefully what is healthy communication. And so that's, that's super important to communicate with your child. And I also think that one thing that we don't often talk enough about, we, you know, we point a finger to teens and their social media use, but parents are also not always the most healthy users of social media. And so there's also a lot that we as parents can do in terms of setting an example. And we often hear that from teens like, well, actually my parents on their phone all the time too, like they don't want to be disturbed, while they're scrolling on their phones. So, you know, I think that we can also look at our own behaviors.
