This Valley therapist encourages clients to find their own definitions of fatherhood

As we close out this week’s series of conversations on masculinity and its ever-evolving manifestations, we’re looking ahead to Father’s Day.

For a lot of people, it’s going to be a great day. But for those who, for one reason or another, don’t have a relationship with their dads, Father’s Day can be tough to navigate. Joshua Johnson, a therapist in the Valley, says it’s a challenge that crops up frequently in his sessions.

Johnson joined The Show to discuss how he encourages his clients to find their own definitions of fatherhood.

Full conversation

JOSHUA JOHNSON: Society markets a lot when it comes to holidays, you know, like ads such as like T.J. Maxx or you know Five Below we have the grill and we're supposed to be out there grilling with our fathers or helping them with their truck or helping them with you know hardware tools and all these other different thoughts that you get marketed out to people. And what happens is that then you have this depiction of what you think family is supposed to look like. So this is going to be important for anyone to kind of take back control of what holidays and things mean for them.

SAM DINGMAN: Oftentimes, you know, stereotypically. It can be hard to talk to dads, and I know that not all dads are that way, but is that something that is an obstacle for you in these dynamics?

JOHNSON: Absolutely. Actually, to be completely transparent, it's an obstacle for me in two ways. One of them being that in working with clients who struggle with that, right, but then also being a human who also struggles with that. And so one of the biggest things going back to taking back control that I found to be very helpful, not only just for me, but for my clients, is like, for example, celebrate your chosen families.

Sometimes we have this thought process that like, you know, our family's supposed to be our blood relatives, but I found to be very helpful that you know celebrating my friends, celebrating, if I have their parents, you know, not saying that my mom didn't do her best, right? Because she was a single mother herself, but it definitely helped me having community.

DINGMAN: Oh, that's interesting. So you're saying even in your own life, if I'm hearing you correctly, if there is cultural pressure to celebrate a father in your life, it can be helpful to give yourself permission to say, like the father that I'm celebrating might not be my biological father.

JOHNSON: Yep. Because again, there are people that are going to be in your life that's going to show up for you in that way. You know what I'm saying? We may not think like that self-consciously, but the reality of it is if you really step back, while this person may have become this father-like figure, so I could celebrate them.

DINGMAN: So what I hear you saying there is that the thing to explore there is the nature of the father child relationship in terms of like what are the key components of that relationship. What would you say those are?

JOHNSON: We have to get comfortable, one, being comfortable with other people's decisions and choices, right? But then also, as well as getting comfortable having to teach and explain things to people. Because my definition of loving me is completely different than someone else's thought process of how they think they're loving me. And sometimes I have to explain that and kind of break that down to someone. Well, what does showing up for me look like? What does supporting me look like?

When you dive deep into yourself and you're discovering these definitions, then you need to then apply it and let people in your community know. Bell Hooks says it herself, you know, rarely, if ever, are any of us are healed in isolation.

DINGMAN: So this is making me think about, just to share an example from my own life. I think a big breakthrough for me in my own relationship with my dad was recognizing that if I sit down and ask him direct questions about emotional dynamics in our relationship that I'm struggling with or that I need some clarity on, that's not necessarily gonna be productive, if we're just like sitting across a table and I say like, I want to talk to you about this thing.

But then I had this experience not long ago where we went to a baseball game together and we sat next to each other for, you know, something like 4.5 hours, and mostly we were both facing the field talking about the game. Baseball is a shared passion for us. And over the course of the game, the conversation just kind of subtly shifted into terrain where all of a sudden I found that we were talking about some questions I had about one of his brothers that we had never really explored in terms of what that relationship really was, and I'm avoiding specifics here, obviously, but the communion for me to go with your Bell Hooks example was to find the right container for the conversation to emerge organically. Is that what you're talking about?

JOHNSON: Absolutely. In a way, you just dated your dad, right? You know in a way, when you think about it, it's no different than dating someone. Sometimes when you have to pull people out of different environments to get them to open up, and that's just normal with people. Sometimes going out to dinner and having margaritas and a few tacos with someone, right? The atmosphere, you're out, you're about, you're doing something different, especially if you're always working and working a 9 to 5 type of thing.

Or again, like how you share that you and your dad have the same passions, that by itself creates connection, right? So then it allows communication to happen. And then soon after a while, once that communication is established, there may be consistency. The three C's I like to call them. Those things kind of all work together and the goal is just to better the relationship.

DINGMAN: So those three C's are connection, communication and consistency.

JOHNSON: Absolutely. And the other pieces to it too, that is going to be really important for listeners to think about, especially as we're still fostering anger or frustration towards these nonexistent relationships, is that we have to remind ourselves that people are human. Maybe there's a reason why that person wasn't aligned in our life at the time that we want them to, or at all. You know, I think about you know just my history with my father. My father was a really angry, and still is a very angry man. And if he was to stay continuously in my life from childhood until where I'm at now, I probably wouldn't even be here on this radio show talking to you.

DINGMAN: Wow.

JOHNSON: Do I love the wish that I had my father in the space for me to celebrate and honor him in this house? Absolutely. But that's why I'm going to honor other men that have been in my life. Even I have cousins who just recently became first time fathers. I'm honoring them. I'm stepping out of uncomfortableness and creating comfort to letting the people know in my life, Hey, I don't have a family, and it's OK to say that. I don't have the family dynamic that I would wish that I had, but you guys are it. Or even then for Father's Day. Maybe I'm doing all the things that I wish my dad did with me.

DINGMAN: Like doing them for yourself.

JOHNSON: Right. Absolutely.

DINGMAN: Even that's lovely.

JOHNSON: Yeah, recently I had built the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars, right? And what's crazy is that when I was a kid, I used to love Lego, wanted them so bad, all the bigger sets, but of course couldn't afford it, right? Because again, my mom was a single mom, was working, and she had other children as well, right? So she was doing the best that she could.

But then now as an adult, I am now parenting myself and I bought myself that Lego set. It took me time, and even then I was talking to my mom one day and I was rushing. I was like, Yeah, I'm trying to get this done by tomorrow. She's like, Why are you rushing this? And I'm like, You're right. This is my self-care. And so like this is where now I can utilize and take back control, right? And by activating self-care into taking care of me.

DINGMAN: This is another really beautiful thing I think you've just shared, Joshua, this idea of like Father's Day could be an opportunity to parent yourself and then celebrate yourself for being a good parent to yourself.

JOHNSON: I mean, the thing about it is that's all on me now. For me, operating in love is what's best. Because if I don't operate in love, then I sit in anger.